Wandering in Fields of Idiots

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Asking Surrey Council for Help

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I know that winter comes as a surprise to so many people, one moment it is sunny and the next it’s really quite cold. Then all of a sudden strange white stuff falls from the sky: what a surprise! Who would of thought that in the UK the temperature could drop bellow zero in winter?! I am sure it didn’t used to happen like that.

An open and sarcastic letter to my council, but it might easily refer to any other from what I have seen…

 

 

Dear Surrey,

I have a problem and I would like your assistance if possible, given the extensive resources provided in the multi-million pound budget (not that I would wish to linger on that point) I feel that someone might be able to help. As you cannot help but be aware it has been snowing a fair amount this winter, luckily on several days I was able to walk to the station instead of driving to work as I would normally do (there is insufficient parking at/near the station, but that is another matter not for this letter). Very little time was lost for me because of the snow and at no time did I feel at risk, despite the roads being fairly easily blocked (not a subject for this letter to dwell on).

To get to the point of my letter: I don’t seem to be able to find my car. It is a rather large 1985 Mercedes-Benz and is much admired by those whom I speak to for it’s comfort and good condition (despite its years). It is described as “Petrol Green” in the description, I am not sure what is meant by “Petrol Green” but it is a rather distinctive green colour and you can’t help but notice it. It is a classic shape with a fabric interior (I don’t like leather car seats).

I have looked around for it, but I can’t find it anywhere! My only conclusion is that it is located somewhere I have missed and the only place I haven’t checked are all of the pot-holes in Epsom. I had considered checking the pot-holes but in the past two years the number of them has so dramatically risen that I can’t possibly check them all. They are often so large that it is easy to get lost in one or mistake one for a tunnel (but I am quite sure Surrey doesn’t have such an extensive tunnel system). Could I ask, if it isn’t too much trouble, could you ask your staff to take a look around, each time they pass a pot-hole, could they see if they see a classic “Petrol Green” Mercedes-Benz and if someone could let me know if you find it I would be most grateful.